A bird's lament

iz kinda true : )

2006-06-10T21:34:00.000+10:30

You Are 70% Boyish and 30% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.
Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.
You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.
You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

i m homer simpson?

2006-06-10T21:32:00.000+10:30

You Are Homer Simpson

You're just an ordinary, all-American working Joe...

With a special fondness for pork rinds and donuts.

You will be remembered for: your little "isms" and philosophies on life

Your life philosophy: "Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel."

The Simpsons Personality Test

another love test

2006-06-07T23:45:00.000+10:30

Your Heart Is Orange

Love equals unbridled happiness for you. You enjoy the wild ride of falling in love.
And while the ride is fun for a while, you always get off once the thrill is gone.

Your flirting style: Hyper

Your lucky first date: Anything you need your passport for!

Your dream lover: Is both daring and well grounded

What you bring to relationships: Energy

What Color Heart Do You Have?

love quiz

2006-06-07T23:38:00.000+10:30

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

short quiz

2006-06-07T23:34:00.000+10:30

Your Hidden Talent

You are both very knowledgeable and creative.
You tend to be full of new ideas and potential - big potential.
Ideas like yours could change the world, if you build them.
As long as you don't stop working on your dreams, you'll get there.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

flirt quiz

2006-06-07T23:31:00.000+10:30

i swear dis is so inaccurate

You Are a Super Flirt

You love to flirt, so much so that it gets you in trouble.
In almost any situation, you find yourself flirting - even when it's inappropriate.
You tend to embrace all flirting styles too.. from coy to sexy to playful to serious.
And if someone flirts back, you'll crank it up even more!

What Kind of Flirt Are You?

quiz

2006-06-07T23:23:00.000+10:30

You Are Cookie Monster

Misunderstood as a primal monster, you're a true hedonist with a huge sweet tooth.

You are usually feeling: Hungry. Cookies are preferred, but you'll eat anything if cookies aren't around.

You are famous for: Your slightly crazy eyes and usual way of speaking

How you life your life: In the moment. "Me want COOKIE!"

The Sesame Street Personality Quiz

Dishonesty and lies

2006-06-07T18:49:00.000+10:30

It's pretty funny how some ppl finally realized that I can be very dishonest and deceitful because I've always known that's in me (yes even wen i was a teeney weeney baby that faced d world wif a drooly smile). My question is who are they to judge me? My lies are not dere to hurt anyone and if they ever did, I neva meant to. As if those very people who labels others for being dishonest has never lied before? At least I am honest about my dishonesty, pfftt how ironic. The fact is I don't lie because I want to but yes in a very selfish sense, I do it to protect myself (and sometimes, others). Perhaps my dishonesty have hurt other people and for that I am very sorry but I only lie wen i m provoked, not that it always justifies what I have done but at least I think it's understandable. For those people who labels others for being immoral because they noe others have lied bout certain things, well open ur eyes miss or mr moral highground, life is not always linear, there is also the colour grey. I mean half of those people just fully bitch about others behind their backs while acting nice to them on the outside, ladies and gentleman, that's called deceit. Before judging someone, take a look at your own flaws first. By the way, Confucius said dat too but in complex Ancient Chinese.

Well back to my talking about my selfish ways, I must admit I am not always sorry about my lies and dishonesty because sometimes I just see it as the other person provoking me so much that I don't have a choice. I guess I need to open my eyes as well because there are always choices and the good people would make those right choices. However, the fact is I am not always a good person and if you are, that's pretty boring but congratulations. Sometimes, it's just really hard to tell wat is right from wat is wrong or wen u r under the influence of much negative emotions, ur rationality would definitely be absent.I sound like I am excusing myself and perhaps, that is one of my motives but I feel like I am a happier person now than who I was. Let me introduce you to the old me who cared alot about how others perceived me and had this solid self-discipline on myself where I would punish myself so much for being dishonest or just doing something wrong. Over the years, I've learnt 'y the hell does it matter wat others think', if they are mot close to me, they don't even noe me so who are they to judge me. And with self-discipline, it practically all gone but dis is one thing that I learnt that I cannot survive completely without, I just need a balance. If someone is so sensitive and cautious of every mistake they make and punish themselves harshly for that, he/she will have a very tough life ahead of dem and day will just end up seeing themselves as failures.

So my fellow people who live on the same planet as me, strive to b good but acknowledge dat u r bad, very very bad. (nudge nudge)

And for u moral snobs out dere, get off ur pedestal because a completely moral person does not judge but help others out.

Dont you love the HSC

2006-04-08T23:36:00.000+10:30

YEAH! my half-yrlys are nearly done, 3 more to go woooo hooooo! I've been a bum and depressed about my half-yrlys lately but you know what? no more. Life is only beginning, I am onli seventeen, why should I frown upon life wen my face doesnt deserve any wrinkles. So my darling fwends out there who will be reading my blog, relax, chill; life is full of bumps, that's what makes the ride so full of diversity.

the hsc is not the end, it is onli the first phrasing of your music

Are you ok

2006-03-13T22:53:00.001+11:00

How long has it been that my parents hav asked me this? It's been too long. For so many days this week, I am confronted with my parents' accusations that I don't care about their well-being anymore and that I never imagine their position, never imagine anything besides my own self. I was delusional. I thought I could really avoid this confrontation for maybe till a time that I have grown older and wiser.The irony is how can someone possibly grow wiser if they do not confront with their own flaws?
Nonetheless, the fact is I cannot handle this confrontation, I cannot admit this underlying alienness that I have felt with my parents for so long, almost too long for me to remember. A person must be very cold-hearted not to feel close to the people who are probably the only ones to give him/her unconditional love. Am I cold-blooded then? I would hate to be.
I don't know how to mend this relationship, I realli don't. I want to care, I swear I do but it's so so hard. Things have happened in my family and I realli do want to just forgive, all I want is to forgive but my heart and maybe an underlying hate won't let me, it won't let me. That's what good people do, they forgive but I've tried and tried and now, the illusion that I have forgave is finally showing me the cruel reality - I am still holding a burden of grudges, trapped in the unsettling sesaw of love and hate. I cannot handle this. I simply cannot.
You don't know how hard it is to love and care for someone with this background of uncontrollable anger. Why does good always triumph in movies? It simply doesnt exist in my life right now. I refused this anger and pain to dictate me but it just drifts back and haunts me, now I am left on this directionless swing that does not swing backwards and forwards but rather, clockwise going on and on. I fail to show I care because I simply cant erase my memories, oh no I can't.
And how many times hav they asked me about my well-being, no not my study, not my work, not my piano but me? The answer purely shows the irony in their accusation. Maybe I fail to care because they took love for granted, thinking that after they abused it, everything would still be ok. It's not.

Operation 'mary is desperate'

2006-03-07T22:13:00.000+11:00

Due to the overwhelming response of my last blog, i figured why not continue this discussion of my dilema that hasnt quite developed yet. May I point out that this guy in my tutor, as much as i lyke him, i havent talked 2 him yet - nope, not even a hello. May i emphasise, this blog is to help me scheme a way to get to know this guy and 'steal' him away from his gf (which i m not actualli quite so sure nemore that he has one). So i guess the first step for me to 'steal' him from his gf is by talking to him. But then wat? The first step doesnt take a genius to figure out but wat on earth do I talk about? everyone tells me to talk to him! no1 tells me wat to talk about and plus, my mind freezes when I am in front of the guy i lyke - it happens every god damn time! so yes i m pleading, begging, threatening, wateva for your help, anyone, someone?

God save me, I am transcending myself into one of those annoying teenagers with a lack of trouble so they make one, preoccupying themselves with something called 'relationships'. This topic as most of you many know is totally out of my comprehension not only because I've never realli concerned myself with this alien area but also, I just lack in romantic ideas overall. I can recognize wen something is romantic and I would go 'oh dats sweet' when one of my fwends got smothered with love by their boyfwends but i dunno, i cant quite that concept personally. Say for example, roses, girls seemed 2 luv it wen they get it on valentines day but i would perceive that as pointless because roses die (unless someone gave it 2 me with lyke a pot and soil). Anyway, begone my blabbing. My point is I realli do think that I appear lyke a love skeptic because I am unable to get a boyfriend, but my question is whether I would differ in opinion if I do hav a boyfriend. Would my belief of "you can love someone forever but u cant be in luv foreva" be any different if I were to hav a love life of my own? i m still blabbing, this is a good time to retreat.

2006-02-28T21:06:00.000+11:00

so i lyke dis guy from tutor. i always seem 2 hav dis fing 4 d intangible; the more i cant hav it, d more i want it. it didnt start off lyke dat, i was onli interested but then, i found out he has a gf and ova d past few days, i've been obsessively finking bout dis specific question - is it immoral to steal a stranger's bf? i noe dat if d girl is my fwend, then i wont even fink bout her bf but dis is different, dis is a stranger's bf, iz less personal if i cause her ne harm. obviously, i m not a person wif a moral high ground, n being an only child for 12 yrs has made me very selfish. For me,stealing a stranger's boyfriend is not exactly that bad of a fing because I dunno dat victim, therefore, i feel no responsibility or guilt for her pain watsoeva. However, i guess if it is a friend's bf, iz very different coz the victim is ur friend, that bond would cause a strong sense of guilt and without a doubt, if u and the victim would b unhappy, then wats the point in stealing her bf. Wat bout stealing sum1's husband? how is dat different? is it because marriage is such a sacred fing? At the same time, how is it different from a normal bf/gf relationship or unmarried homosexual relationship 4 dat matter? However, wat i m certain of is dat i cant steal sum1's huband if they r lyke married wif kids - coz i just luv children, and children r so innocent n deserve 2 b protected and the guilt of tainting that innocence would prolly b so great that i cannot live wif it. so yes, the question is - is it immoral 2 steal a strangers's bf?

life as procastination

2006-02-23T22:20:00.000+11:00

in my hours of procastination, i visited my fwends' blogs and i guess, got some sneak peeks of their lifes. When i hear ppl say 'every1 is so unique', i used to think iz so cliche but now getting these little insights into my fwends' lifes, i think i've been too confident in my judgment.

Everyone's feelings, thoughts, events in their lifes...iz all so overwhelming and many times, i feel lyke i m missing out so much in life, but in reflection, i guess my life experiences can be pretty entertaining in someone else's perspective.

How to describe myself? how to understand myself? the list would neva end because how do you describe every dimension of a person in words and do u truly noe every dimension of that person? How does one come to understand oneself - i m one of the queens of self-embarrassment n u would fink i m used to it by now, yet dere r moments in which the dese embarrassments can suprise me.

i have dreams. in the midst of chasing after my own dreams, i seemed to have forgotten dat other people have dese strong and ambitious dreams as well. I strive and others strive with me - in the last year of our high skool, most of us do aim to get a high uai. The trick is not to fink of it as a doom if you dont get ur desired mark - uai is onli a shortcut - dere are always more than one way to get to a certain destination...over hills, oceans and jungle.. uai is like a flat road - the easy way out. but if u dont get the easy path - it doesnt matter - dere are other way... they are just a bit more difficult and require a bit more patience and at dis point, my darling fwends is when most of us fail, the ability to endure. I see that all of you have this undeniable and irreplaceable talents but the fact is not how great your talents are but how determine you are to display them and improve them despite obstacles and criticism.

I wonder

2006-01-24T13:23:00.000+11:00

I wonder how much back-stabbing we could see if we have eyes behind our heads?
I wonder what hot guys would taste lyke if day r covered in chocolate? (yum...?)
I wonder if the reason that we hav blue days is because we live under a blue sky?
I wonder if our eyes realli do turn into a never-ending spiral when we r hypnotised?
I wonder if sex was a sport, how much weight would ppl lose from it?
I wonder if Holy blood/holy grail is indeed true (Jesus having children with mary magdalene), how cool would it b to marry God's descendants?

New year resolution

2006-01-10T14:23:00.000+11:00

* To find a rich boyfriend.
* To lose 10kg to fit into my dream wedding dress.
* To stop flirting with my boss - dats completely unhealthy (he's in his 50s - I know, yuck).
* To not vomit over some innocent bypasser every time I get drunk.
* To not spend all my money on alcohol and cigarettes, so I can actually pay my bills for a change.
* To control my compulsive impulsive disorder for house-cleaning (I wish I have that problem or else my house wouldnt b a mess)
* To save $1 a day to buy my 88 Wydnam Charlot red wine

'The End"

Note: For those who dont noe me, I m only kidding around because one, I have a new-found sense of humour and two, mostly two, I found chocolate chip muffins in my fridge (cholate=hysterical, irrational mentality)

Renewal

2006-01-04T21:09:00.000+11:00

Haha. It's definitely been a while and like every other year, the cycle of xmas and new year has passed by too fast. I could tell you how my 'housewife' days pass by so slowly with the ticking seconds but god, I have already been through it all day, not gonna repeat it again. True that I have felt so shit for the past two weeks and although I am feeling so much better, still not in the mood to make this blog interesting with my judgmental and naive comments, but just to inform everyone, 'i m still alive'. When the new year comes, I have so many goals to accomplish before the end of the holidayz; this year is no different. HOWEVER, this year I have actualli done something or in the process of doing something dat is.

I dont understand why the final year of high school create so much stress but it does. The fact that I am a nerd significantly contributes to that but gosh, I have always been so comfortable not doing my homework. I dont fink I lyke dis change. Well all this bullshit has nothing to do with my title. I fink i'll write another one with dat same title when I am inspired or actualli psyched bout life.

Have a nice day every1.

Misplaced

2005-12-15T00:07:00.000+11:00

I am the world's biggest idiot. I lost the necklace my fwend gave me. She's been my friend for 16 years and we don't talk that much anymore coz i m in australia and she's in new zealand. 16 years! What hav i done?

I know this is perhaps not true but I realli feel that necklace is the last thing I could preserve of our friendship. She has changed so much, yet she is still the same. She is the same generous girl I knew yet at the same time, she's so much more messed up. I havent talked to her for a year and last time that I talked to her, it's a sad realization of how much we have both screwed up. A realization that the world is completely out of our control and how the people who created us have the potential to destroy us. I feel like I am holding onto a friendship so similar to unacquitted love, I wonder if I am as much important to her as she is to me. No, I am not a homosexual, but its just when I was little and being stupid, she was always there for me. She saw the bad side of me and probably one of the few people who has witnessed almost all aspects of my personality and actually accepts me for that. She saw my change to someone I still dont know for better or worse. Most of all, I was able to cry in front of her.

We used to always be compared and she was seen as the bad apple. However, realistically, I m the one with the destructive personality. While she sees the satisfaction in everything and has the purest soul, I wanted everything and found no satisfaction in return. I didnt understand the facade of materialistic success yet she did. Yet this strive for materialistic wealth, it has become so much of me. Even though I hav improved so much since then, I could never value people the way she does. The unconditional love she gives to her mother who has been one of the least kind person to her. I will never measure up to her. How do you judge the quality of sumone? By their grades? In all honesty,despite her actions, at least her heart is sincere while mine is near black.

Racism

2005-12-12T21:04:00.001+11:00

A very disgusting demonstration of human behaviour took place yesterday (11th December 2005). For those of you who don't know what I am talking about, here's a brief recount. This ourburst of racial conflict occured in Sydney, Australia; a country I have always been proud of by the comparatively less racist attitudes. After two lifesavers were attacked the previous sunday by men of middle-eastern appearance, the 'aussie' community of about 5000 met at cronulla beach yesterday and provoked a riot calling for 'no lebs on the beach'. However, the most disgusting part of their actions is that they attacked anyone on the beach who seemed to have middle-eastern features.

I admit what those men did to the lifesavers was utterly immoral and uncalled for. Lifesavers are people who are there to save lives yet those horrible (even that's an understatement) people caused harm to the lifesavers because the lifesavers asked to them to share the beach with everyone. A very gross conduct indeed. However, what in the world gave those 'locals' at cronulla beach to take revenge on innocent people. Because they are middle-easterns? Utter nonsense! I quote 'aussies' and 'locals' because people like that have no right to be Australian and therefore should have no place in our community. It's a shameful act of hatred and racism. Australia is one of the most peaceful and tolerant countries I know, a place where people are not persecuted on the basis of race, religion or gender. If those people think they are achieving anything australian by being racist maniacs and hurting innocent people who have just as much right to be in this society as they do, then they are just primitive and uncivilized.

Moreover, some middle-eastern youths retaliated in maroubra and bankstown as a reaction to the racist attitudes in cronulla. They bashed more than 100 cars and one guy was stabbed with a knife embedded on his back. What do those people think they can achieve through such senseless retaliation? Of-course they have the right to be angry but does damaging the property of innocent people help? No. All this hatred and racial tension must be addressed and hopefully diminished.

I sincerely hope that all of them see the crimes in which they have commited and redeem themselves. I know alot of middle-eastern people and I know that most of them are extremely kind-hearted and generous people. Doesn't it show you that all this underlying hatred and racism stems from 9/11 and the power of fear that it has on people. May I emphasise that the media is largely responsible for this. I remember that an earlier terroism raid was published "Muslism Terroist home raid". Why do they have to say muslim? I mean when a serial killer is caught, they never say "Christian killer" or "Buddhist psycho serial killer", hence, they are sending the wrong message by adding 'muslim' to a crime that so many people fear for right now. Furthermore, people seem to forget that in every terroist attack, the muslim community suffered with us as well and we must remember those people are extremists, they say they sin in the name of islam but really that defies the whole concept of islam.

Perhaps through this event we can finally see the result of Australia's participation in the Iraqi war. May I ask what is the purpose of that war again? Where hundreds if not thousands of innocent local Iraqis have died. There still hasn't been any evidence of weapons of mass destruction and there is no evidence that Saddam Huessin supported Bin laden, what was the reason for war? What is the reason for the loss of innocent lives? It's just another excuse for the capitalist world exploiting the resources of the poorer countries and Howard is definitely not helping by participating this senseless war.

I really don't know what this world has come to. This paranoia and overwhelming fear must stop because it is driving us to accuse and mistrust people in our community, and in turn, provoking anger. We must have compassion for each other and tolerate each other, and must remember no-one is born immoral or should be treated like a criminal because they born from a specific ethinic group. For those who are being accused and mistrusted upon, I will apologise for those brainless people, we are sorry but please understand the fear and paranoia that is driving these immoral conducts, and please, please forgive. Only with those attitudes can we battle against the evil of racism.

Australia has come so far from 'White Australia'. Don't let the same paranoia ovetake you, stand up to it and we will succeed!

Fairy dust rain

2005-12-11T12:36:00.000+11:00

Snow white fairy dust,
Sand in an hourglass,
Slipping through my fingers.
Whoosh,
Whoosh,
Ocean’s thrust.
Sprinkling upon crinkled paper,
Fairy dust rain.

Neck twisting perpendicular,
Descending,
Descending,
Snow powder pleading for my breath.
Rainbow fading into clouds,
White, overwhelming white.
Air gasped in, powder sucked in,
Fairy dust vacuumed by my nose!
Circling flirtatiously.
Fairy dust rain.

Sapphire marbles one, two, three,
Violet, emerald bruises.
Sapphire marbles four, five, six,
Bruises repeated.
Crimson lava dip dop dop,
Lava splitting earth’s crust,
Nothing lives
Except for scars.
Fairy dust rains,
No need for colours.
Sapphire eyes, crimson eyes
Sees only of fairy dust.
Colourless eyes silent
In the sound of white
When fairy dust rains.

Blessed with wings,
Travel sky high.
Together with you
in the sky of possibility.
Migrating with you
So constantly.
Chasing behind your shadow
Easily.
Fairy dust rains,
The sound of white,
No black nor grey.
Love so pure,
No shadow nor night.
Together for eternity,
Only through breathing
Fairy dust rain.

By M.C.H

Ice, flame, shame

2005-12-11T12:35:00.000+11:00

Eyes of shame transfixed upon my face
Ticking seconds ticking silence
Eyes of flame gripping a cane
Slaps of pain repeated
Eyes of ice ashamed
Scars numberless
Family
Safety
Gone

Dying heart

2005-12-11T12:34:00.000+11:00

Have you ever had a stone in your heart?
It troubles you like an abstract art.
However you try to remove,
it will remain and rebirth.
Until it strips away your years of youth,
What is left is your decaying nerve.

Heavier and heavier each day,
Bit by bit, never to go away.
It captures you, you shrug it off,
You escaped or so you thought.
It returns, retaliates and races forth,
Hopeless, helpless, you watched your army rot.

Why did you underestimate?
Roaring regrets are now too late.
You are defeated because you denied,
Because you pretended everything was fine.
Your shining smile was your ultimate lie,
Your naivety was an addictive red wine.

Silently strangling you while you sleep,
While you speak, while you eat.
Until the rope cuts too deep,
Now your heart will not beat.

By MCH

Reappearing eyes

2005-12-11T12:33:00.000+11:00

Soft whispers of sweetness,
Heart tingling softness.
Arms of outstretched
Embrace, lies farfetched.
Drifting deep into your heart,
Crazed love, incomprehensible art.

Butterfly dancing,
Emerald, violet, crimson.
One step forward,
One step back,
Sizzling salsa rhythm.
High heels collapse,
Butterfly trapped, rhythm
Cease.
Spider lunges,
Eyes of starvation,
Spider preys on entrapment.

A touch of security,
Love’s longevity,
Safe within your cradle,
Driven by love’s paddle.
Yet when I gaze into your eyes,
Expression shifting to hide a lie.
My heart pumps with fear.

Reluctant paws enter narrow alley.
Bong! Intrusion into puddle,
Kitten fur stands upright.
Shadows emerge.
Awakening hell.
Eyes of blood,
Ascending from litter,
From wrinkled boxes, from dented trash cans.
Eyes of blood,
Unfolding from abandoned holes, from corroded pipes.
Eyes of blood,
Circling a bewildered kitten,
Scrambling forward,
Forward,
Until kitten sees
Nothing.

Force of rejection
Swipes across your shoulders,
Embrace of love tattered.
I scramble forward
To fling open a door
To gaze upon sapphire eyes.
Starved, blood-desiring,
They call for me.
Eyes of disappointment
I answer, and crawl towards
Eyes of shame.

By M.C.H

Sapphire eyes

2005-12-11T12:31:00.000+11:00

Eyes of
Sapphire marble.
Your touch so cold.
Sapphire marbles,
Falling from hell!
Dip Dop,
Dip Dop,
Falling,
Falling,
One
By
One.

A sensation
of inflammation.
The curse of gravity.
Sapphire marbles misunderstood,
For it is not pure sapphire.

Crimson flame fumes ferociously
Behind icy sapphire.
Magma creeping,
Creeping,
Along
dents of a Volcano wall.
A drop of sapphire
Swallowed by a burning sea.
Coldness of the sapphire
In the pool of heat,
Force of discomfort released.

Lava,
colour of blood,
Surging,
Surging,
Bang.
Silver grey blanketed
The sapphire sky.

Eyes of
sapphire marble,
Eyes of
crimson lava,
Spies silver nearby.
Silver sleek cylinder
Reflected in sapphire eyes.
Released to fall,
Fall
Upon crimson flesh
Of a little girl.
Eyes of sapphire marble,
How could you be so cold?

By M.C.H

Invisible tears

2005-12-11T12:25:00.001+11:00

Invisible Tears

The family portrait is a clown’s mask.
Full of fun.
Full of laughter.
Full of love.
The clown with no tears.

Blanketed by a pastry-white complexion,
Lustrous lips dipped in blood red,
Beaming eyes radiating like blue marbles,
A rose without thorns.
Perfect mask for
The clown with no tears.

All a lie.
A mere cosmetic cover-up
An artificial illusion
For your naïve mind.
You shall see nothing but
The clown with no tears.

Underneath the layers of powder,
The layers of plastic,
You shall see the truth.
Haunted by society’s materialism,
Taunted by society’s hectic rhythm,
Injured by slamming doors,
Broken by deafening cries.
You will see nothing but
The clown with no tears.

Crop the children in the centre
Dig out the eyes of the mask
And all will be gone.
Emotionless
Detached
A void in the heart.
Still you shall see nothing but
The clown with no tears.

One lose grip,
The frame will fall,
The portrait will fall,
Shattered by a BING.!
No more walls to guard the photo,
Yet the clown cannot cry,
The mask has shed dry.

Bitter sweet

2005-12-11T00:16:00.000+11:00

finally hav d courage 2 put dis up. I fink dese emotions r finally gone. Enjoy!

Bitter sweet

There are a thousand ways I love thee
With all my heart and all you need.
I could love thee, like a nun
To her God, a light from the sun.
I could love thee like a wife to her man in war,
Hoping, praying and crying for the one she adore.
I could love thee with all my childhood naivety,
Innocent, imaginative and blinded from reality.
I would morph into whatever thee needs me to be,
The stars, the meteors, the moon to set the darkness free.
Shame, thee is the centre of mystery,
Never returning my love so fiercely.
Thou flies freely in the sky of possibility,
Moving, migrating, disappearing so constantly.
With thee, I chase behind your shadow breathlessly,
Striving for a love I cannot grasp easily.
Yet how can I expect you to love me.
For I am not worthy enough for thee.

By M.C.H

My Goals

2005-12-10T15:06:00.000+11:00

Since i got so shit for my maths test 3u and 2u as well as badly organising time for my modern assignment, I have decided to set goals for myself, it's d start of my redemption and self-invention. So here r my aims for hsc year:
* Top 3 for modern history
* Top 2 for maths 2u
* Top 10 for Maths 3u
* Top 3 for hist ext
* Top 5 for english
* Top 7 for english ext
* Number 1 for music (i noe dat requires beating my talented darling anita)
* Number 1 for music ext (as above)

So now i just have to work on it starting from tidying up my room.

Go mary Go!

Self deconstruction

2005-12-09T17:32:00.000+11:00

lol didnt top d maths test. Got no way near the top. As it turns out i onli got 90%, such a shitty mark. Who am i kidding? It's not dat bad. Betta dan most of my marks for yr 11 but dis is HSC year, I am supposed 2 do so much betta. At least it's onli through 15%. Try harder next time. I noe i m not very talented but perserverance, I definitely hav dat.

Do you know why it's called self deconstruction? hahaha. I am a bit confused rite now. No, not confused but a bit frustrated with myself. I have found out something about myself over d past few weeks. I am utterly self-obsessive, self-indulgent and no way near selfless. It's so hard. I noe I don't like him because that's just impossible but wen I c her wif him, it hurts. Yeah, most ppl prolly fink I lyke him. I tried to tell myself dat i lyke him as well except it doesnt fit wif the rest of my emotions. So I have come to the conclusion that I just want to be noticed, valued and adored even if I cant return the same feeling to that perons. How evil does dat sound? I feel so bad now but that's realli how i feel, I am possessive over sumfing that's not even mine and something that I didnt realli treasure neway. More hypocritical of my behaviour, I sometimes feel realli happi for dem, i mean i certainly behave lyke it but although i sumtimes get uncomfortable bout dem I am sincere sometimes. Human emotions, the more I talk bout it d more i m diggin a hole for myself.

Confrontation

2005-12-08T16:49:00.000+11:00

Here we go again, I totally screwed up my maths 3u test. If I eva get ova 70%, I'll be so happy. 'sighs'. That's all I do nowadays. Just reading through corrina's blogs, she puts so much emotions into her one but my one is just like blank and empty. I don't fink I even time to feel anymore. Tomorrow is judgement day. Getting back my maths 2u test, I hope I top it. Pray for me!

Time management

2005-12-05T23:50:00.000+11:00

Not even gonna go there! God i NEED advice! At least i m just intelluctually challenged rite now, not emotionally deprived. Presentation night tomolo, dont fink i'll be able to write an entry and I realli dont wanna go but no, I have to be in SRC. Seriously, who the hell gets an award for commitment to studies. NO-ONE! exactly,it's lyke sayin omg u try so hard but dont get d top marks, how crappy is that! God, I think i m ova him, i realli did but damn it, y does he look so darn good. Maybe, I can see it this way, he's realli cute but I am over him, it's just the fact that he's still cute. I think I am as delusional as Coleridge. Oh well, i actualli kinda enjoy wateva lack of a relationship I am in, I can never organise my time properly anyway!

Nothing realli

2005-12-04T18:07:00.000+11:00

'sighs'
weekend again n just that sinking feeling again. So sick of myself! Always just thinking and thinking and asking questions about life, the more you journey into your psyche, the more you get lost in it.

Rhythm of the end

Thump. Thump. Thump.
The murderous steps of a giant?
Or the invading banging of a thief?
It could be the burying of a corpse.
Or the entrapment of a prisoner.
In all reality, its the last beating of my heart.