Misplaced

I am the world's biggest idiot. I lost the necklace my fwend gave me. She's been my friend for 16 years and we don't talk that much anymore coz i m in australia and she's in new zealand. 16 years! What hav i done?

I know this is perhaps not true but I realli feel that necklace is the last thing I could preserve of our friendship. She has changed so much, yet she is still the same. She is the same generous girl I knew yet at the same time, she's so much more messed up. I havent talked to her for a year and last time that I talked to her, it's a sad realization of how much we have both screwed up. A realization that the world is completely out of our control and how the people who created us have the potential to destroy us. I feel like I am holding onto a friendship so similar to unacquitted love, I wonder if I am as much important to her as she is to me. No, I am not a homosexual, but its just when I was little and being stupid, she was always there for me. She saw the bad side of me and probably one of the few people who has witnessed almost all aspects of my personality and actually accepts me for that. She saw my change to someone I still dont know for better or worse. Most of all, I was able to cry in front of her.

We used to always be compared and she was seen as the bad apple. However, realistically, I m the one with the destructive personality. While she sees the satisfaction in everything and has the purest soul, I wanted everything and found no satisfaction in return. I didnt understand the facade of materialistic success yet she did. Yet this strive for materialistic wealth, it has become so much of me. Even though I hav improved so much since then, I could never value people the way she does. The unconditional love she gives to her mother who has been one of the least kind person to her. I will never measure up to her. How do you judge the quality of sumone? By their grades? In all honesty,despite her actions, at least her heart is sincere while mine is near black.

Racism

A very disgusting demonstration of human behaviour took place yesterday (11th December 2005). For those of you who don't know what I am talking about, here's a brief recount. This ourburst of racial conflict occured in Sydney, Australia; a country I have always been proud of by the comparatively less racist attitudes. After two lifesavers were attacked the previous sunday by men of middle-eastern appearance, the 'aussie' community of about 5000 met at cronulla beach yesterday and provoked a riot calling for 'no lebs on the beach'. However, the most disgusting part of their actions is that they attacked anyone on the beach who seemed to have middle-eastern features.

I admit what those men did to the lifesavers was utterly immoral and uncalled for. Lifesavers are people who are there to save lives yet those horrible (even that's an understatement) people caused harm to the lifesavers because the lifesavers asked to them to share the beach with everyone. A very gross conduct indeed. However, what in the world gave those 'locals' at cronulla beach to take revenge on innocent people. Because they are middle-easterns? Utter nonsense! I quote 'aussies' and 'locals' because people like that have no right to be Australian and therefore should have no place in our community. It's a shameful act of hatred and racism. Australia is one of the most peaceful and tolerant countries I know, a place where people are not persecuted on the basis of race, religion or gender. If those people think they are achieving anything australian by being racist maniacs and hurting innocent people who have just as much right to be in this society as they do, then they are just primitive and uncivilized.

Moreover, some middle-eastern youths retaliated in maroubra and bankstown as a reaction to the racist attitudes in cronulla. They bashed more than 100 cars and one guy was stabbed with a knife embedded on his back. What do those people think they can achieve through such senseless retaliation? Of-course they have the right to be angry but does damaging the property of innocent people help? No. All this hatred and racial tension must be addressed and hopefully diminished.

I sincerely hope that all of them see the crimes in which they have commited and redeem themselves. I know alot of middle-eastern people and I know that most of them are extremely kind-hearted and generous people. Doesn't it show you that all this underlying hatred and racism stems from 9/11 and the power of fear that it has on people. May I emphasise that the media is largely responsible for this. I remember that an earlier terroism raid was published "Muslism Terroist home raid". Why do they have to say muslim? I mean when a serial killer is caught, they never say "Christian killer" or "Buddhist psycho serial killer", hence, they are sending the wrong message by adding 'muslim' to a crime that so many people fear for right now. Furthermore, people seem to forget that in every terroist attack, the muslim community suffered with us as well and we must remember those people are extremists, they say they sin in the name of islam but really that defies the whole concept of islam.

Perhaps through this event we can finally see the result of Australia's participation in the Iraqi war. May I ask what is the purpose of that war again? Where hundreds if not thousands of innocent local Iraqis have died. There still hasn't been any evidence of weapons of mass destruction and there is no evidence that Saddam Huessin supported Bin laden, what was the reason for war? What is the reason for the loss of innocent lives? It's just another excuse for the capitalist world exploiting the resources of the poorer countries and Howard is definitely not helping by participating this senseless war.

I really don't know what this world has come to. This paranoia and overwhelming fear must stop because it is driving us to accuse and mistrust people in our community, and in turn, provoking anger. We must have compassion for each other and tolerate each other, and must remember no-one is born immoral or should be treated like a criminal because they born from a specific ethinic group. For those who are being accused and mistrusted upon, I will apologise for those brainless people, we are sorry but please understand the fear and paranoia that is driving these immoral conducts, and please, please forgive. Only with those attitudes can we battle against the evil of racism.

Australia has come so far from 'White Australia'. Don't let the same paranoia ovetake you, stand up to it and we will succeed!

Fairy dust rain

Snow white fairy dust,
Sand in an hourglass,
Slipping through my fingers.
Whoosh,
Whoosh,
Ocean’s thrust.
Sprinkling upon crinkled paper,
Fairy dust rain.

Neck twisting perpendicular,
Descending,
Descending,
Snow powder pleading for my breath.
Rainbow fading into clouds,
White, overwhelming white.
Air gasped in, powder sucked in,
Fairy dust vacuumed by my nose!
Circling flirtatiously.
Fairy dust rain.

Sapphire marbles one, two, three,
Violet, emerald bruises.
Sapphire marbles four, five, six,
Bruises repeated.
Crimson lava dip dop dop,
Lava splitting earth’s crust,
Nothing lives
Except for scars.
Fairy dust rains,
No need for colours.
Sapphire eyes, crimson eyes
Sees only of fairy dust.
Colourless eyes silent
In the sound of white
When fairy dust rains.

Blessed with wings,
Travel sky high.
Together with you
in the sky of possibility.
Migrating with you
So constantly.
Chasing behind your shadow
Easily.
Fairy dust rains,
The sound of white,
No black nor grey.
Love so pure,
No shadow nor night.
Together for eternity,
Only through breathing
Fairy dust rain.

By M.C.H

Ice, flame, shame

Eyes of shame transfixed upon my face
Ticking seconds ticking silence
Eyes of flame gripping a cane
Slaps of pain repeated
Eyes of ice ashamed
Scars numberless
Family
Safety
Gone

Dying heart

Have you ever had a stone in your heart?
It troubles you like an abstract art.
However you try to remove,
it will remain and rebirth.
Until it strips away your years of youth,
What is left is your decaying nerve.

Heavier and heavier each day,
Bit by bit, never to go away.
It captures you, you shrug it off,
You escaped or so you thought.
It returns, retaliates and races forth,
Hopeless, helpless, you watched your army rot.

Why did you underestimate?
Roaring regrets are now too late.
You are defeated because you denied,
Because you pretended everything was fine.
Your shining smile was your ultimate lie,
Your naivety was an addictive red wine.

Silently strangling you while you sleep,
While you speak, while you eat.
Until the rope cuts too deep,
Now your heart will not beat.

By MCH

Reappearing eyes

Soft whispers of sweetness,
Heart tingling softness.
Arms of outstretched
Embrace, lies farfetched.
Drifting deep into your heart,
Crazed love, incomprehensible art.

Butterfly dancing,
Emerald, violet, crimson.
One step forward,
One step back,
Sizzling salsa rhythm.
High heels collapse,
Butterfly trapped, rhythm
Cease.
Spider lunges,
Eyes of starvation,
Spider preys on entrapment.

A touch of security,
Love’s longevity,
Safe within your cradle,
Driven by love’s paddle.
Yet when I gaze into your eyes,
Expression shifting to hide a lie.
My heart pumps with fear.

Reluctant paws enter narrow alley.
Bong! Intrusion into puddle,
Kitten fur stands upright.
Shadows emerge.
Awakening hell.
Eyes of blood,
Ascending from litter,
From wrinkled boxes, from dented trash cans.
Eyes of blood,
Unfolding from abandoned holes, from corroded pipes.
Eyes of blood,
Circling a bewildered kitten,
Scrambling forward,
Forward,
Until kitten sees
Nothing.

Force of rejection
Swipes across your shoulders,
Embrace of love tattered.
I scramble forward
To fling open a door
To gaze upon sapphire eyes.
Starved, blood-desiring,
They call for me.
Eyes of disappointment
I answer, and crawl towards
Eyes of shame.

By M.C.H

Sapphire eyes

Eyes of
Sapphire marble.
Your touch so cold.
Sapphire marbles,
Falling from hell!
Dip Dop,
Dip Dop,
Falling,
Falling,
One
By
One.

A sensation
of inflammation.
The curse of gravity.
Sapphire marbles misunderstood,
For it is not pure sapphire.

Crimson flame fumes ferociously
Behind icy sapphire.
Magma creeping,
Creeping,
Along
dents of a Volcano wall.
A drop of sapphire
Swallowed by a burning sea.
Coldness of the sapphire
In the pool of heat,
Force of discomfort released.

Lava,
colour of blood,
Surging,
Surging,
Bang.
Silver grey blanketed
The sapphire sky.

Eyes of
sapphire marble,
Eyes of
crimson lava,
Spies silver nearby.
Silver sleek cylinder
Reflected in sapphire eyes.
Released to fall,
Fall
Upon crimson flesh
Of a little girl.
Eyes of sapphire marble,
How could you be so cold?

By M.C.H

Invisible tears

Invisible Tears

The family portrait is a clown’s mask.
Full of fun.
Full of laughter.
Full of love.
The clown with no tears.

Blanketed by a pastry-white complexion,
Lustrous lips dipped in blood red,
Beaming eyes radiating like blue marbles,
A rose without thorns.
Perfect mask for
The clown with no tears.

All a lie.
A mere cosmetic cover-up
An artificial illusion
For your naïve mind.
You shall see nothing but
The clown with no tears.

Underneath the layers of powder,
The layers of plastic,
You shall see the truth.
Haunted by society’s materialism,
Taunted by society’s hectic rhythm,
Injured by slamming doors,
Broken by deafening cries.
You will see nothing but
The clown with no tears.

Crop the children in the centre
Dig out the eyes of the mask
And all will be gone.
Emotionless
Detached
A void in the heart.
Still you shall see nothing but
The clown with no tears.

One lose grip,
The frame will fall,
The portrait will fall,
Shattered by a BING.!
No more walls to guard the photo,
Yet the clown cannot cry,
The mask has shed dry.

Bitter sweet

finally hav d courage 2 put dis up. I fink dese emotions r finally gone. Enjoy!

Bitter sweet

There are a thousand ways I love thee
With all my heart and all you need.
I could love thee, like a nun
To her God, a light from the sun.
I could love thee like a wife to her man in war,
Hoping, praying and crying for the one she adore.
I could love thee with all my childhood naivety,
Innocent, imaginative and blinded from reality.
I would morph into whatever thee needs me to be,
The stars, the meteors, the moon to set the darkness free.
Shame, thee is the centre of mystery,
Never returning my love so fiercely.
Thou flies freely in the sky of possibility,
Moving, migrating, disappearing so constantly.
With thee, I chase behind your shadow breathlessly,
Striving for a love I cannot grasp easily.
Yet how can I expect you to love me.
For I am not worthy enough for thee.

By M.C.H

My Goals

Since i got so shit for my maths test 3u and 2u as well as badly organising time for my modern assignment, I have decided to set goals for myself, it's d start of my redemption and self-invention. So here r my aims for hsc year:
* Top 3 for modern history
* Top 2 for maths 2u
* Top 10 for Maths 3u
* Top 3 for hist ext
* Top 5 for english
* Top 7 for english ext
* Number 1 for music (i noe dat requires beating my talented darling anita)
* Number 1 for music ext (as above)

So now i just have to work on it starting from tidying up my room.

Go mary Go!

Self deconstruction

lol didnt top d maths test. Got no way near the top. As it turns out i onli got 90%, such a shitty mark. Who am i kidding? It's not dat bad. Betta dan most of my marks for yr 11 but dis is HSC year, I am supposed 2 do so much betta. At least it's onli through 15%. Try harder next time. I noe i m not very talented but perserverance, I definitely hav dat.

Do you know why it's called self deconstruction? hahaha. I am a bit confused rite now. No, not confused but a bit frustrated with myself. I have found out something about myself over d past few weeks. I am utterly self-obsessive, self-indulgent and no way near selfless. It's so hard. I noe I don't like him because that's just impossible but wen I c her wif him, it hurts. Yeah, most ppl prolly fink I lyke him. I tried to tell myself dat i lyke him as well except it doesnt fit wif the rest of my emotions. So I have come to the conclusion that I just want to be noticed, valued and adored even if I cant return the same feeling to that perons. How evil does dat sound? I feel so bad now but that's realli how i feel, I am possessive over sumfing that's not even mine and something that I didnt realli treasure neway. More hypocritical of my behaviour, I sometimes feel realli happi for dem, i mean i certainly behave lyke it but although i sumtimes get uncomfortable bout dem I am sincere sometimes. Human emotions, the more I talk bout it d more i m diggin a hole for myself.

Confrontation

Here we go again, I totally screwed up my maths 3u test. If I eva get ova 70%, I'll be so happy. 'sighs'. That's all I do nowadays. Just reading through corrina's blogs, she puts so much emotions into her one but my one is just like blank and empty. I don't fink I even time to feel anymore. Tomorrow is judgement day. Getting back my maths 2u test, I hope I top it. Pray for me!

Time management

Not even gonna go there! God i NEED advice! At least i m just intelluctually challenged rite now, not emotionally deprived. Presentation night tomolo, dont fink i'll be able to write an entry and I realli dont wanna go but no, I have to be in SRC. Seriously, who the hell gets an award for commitment to studies. NO-ONE! exactly,it's lyke sayin omg u try so hard but dont get d top marks, how crappy is that! God, I think i m ova him, i realli did but damn it, y does he look so darn good. Maybe, I can see it this way, he's realli cute but I am over him, it's just the fact that he's still cute. I think I am as delusional as Coleridge. Oh well, i actualli kinda enjoy wateva lack of a relationship I am in, I can never organise my time properly anyway!

Nothing realli

'sighs'
weekend again n just that sinking feeling again. So sick of myself! Always just thinking and thinking and asking questions about life, the more you journey into your psyche, the more you get lost in it.

Rhythm of the end

Thump. Thump. Thump.
The murderous steps of a giant?
Or the invading banging of a thief?
It could be the burying of a corpse.
Or the entrapment of a prisoner.
In all reality, its the last beating of my heart.